An Honest Vacation Reflection

The first week in October, we were on a family vacation to Myrtle Beach.  Last year, the Session of our church blessed us with a week stay to any of the Quiet Waters resorts.  After much discussion, Chris and I decided that it would be nice to have a family vacation in the fall with the kids.  It was hard finding a place big enough for our family, but Chris was persistent and found this resort in Myrtle Beach that was big enough for us and had some activities that we could do as a family.  While we were there, we were able to have some great family time playing cards and board games, going swimming each day and having an outing most days.  The kids even got to see one set of grandparents the first couple of days. 

On Sunday night, the kids were able to hang out with my parents.  They played games and got to stay up late.  Sadly, my mom had to head back to Georgia Monday afternoon because she had some deadlines at work that she needed to meet.  But before she headed back, we were able to spend the morning at the kiddie pool and splash pad. We were able to float on the lazy river and spend some time in the not- too-hot hot tub.  

In the not-so-hot hot tub with Mimi and Bup-Bup

After nap time, we headed to the indoor pool and swam until our hearts content. After dinner, my dad took us to get ice cream at one of the local ice cream shops.  The kids were in heaven getting this special treat…and let’s be honest, mom and dad weren’t complaining too much either!  😊  That night, my dad got a phone call which involved an unexpected thing he needed to take care of. He decided to head back the next morning to try to get it taken care of before heading to back to work towards the end of the week.  

We got up Tuesday morning to find Tobias was running a fever.  He and I spent the morning cuddling in bed and watching TV shows and playing Uno while the others went to the indoor pool.  Tobias was still running a fever after nap time, so he got to hang out with me some more while the others went to the pool.  As a special treat, he got to “swim” in the two-person jetted tub.  It wasn’t as great as the swimming pool, but he still had a good time. 

Hanging out with mommy while having a fever

Wednesday was a lazy morning…lots of cuddling in the king bed while watching TV shows, playing games, drawing and eventually a swim in the pool.  Before heading to dinner, we visited a local candy shop and each of the kiddos got to pick out ¼ of a pound of candy…ANYTHING they wanted!  You would have thought we handed them a million dollars!! After the candy shop, we headed to Medieval Times for dinner.  I honestly don’t know who had more fun…the kiddos or Chris!!  Both of the girls received a gift from the knight…Sophie received a flower and Kyrie received a sash that said “Queen of the Tournament.” What made the night even better was the fact that our knight won the tournament…the kiddos were beside themselves and even wanted to get his autograph! 

 

Medieval Times...our knight won!

Thursday was another fun-filled day.  We headed to Wonder Works for the morning.  The kids had SO much fun with the interactive stations…and mommy felt so much better feeling like we were getting some educational activities in!  😉  We all took an afternoon nap and then Chris headed to the pool with the kids while I kept sleeping! 😊  That night Kyrie started running a fever, but nothing too serious. It was hard to tell if it was allergy related or sickness.  

 

Wonder Works

Mommy had to get over her slight fear of heights to do this ropes course with these two!

We got up on Friday morning and Kyrie still had a low-grade fever.  We decided to have a less active day and headed to one of the state parks where we walked on the beach collecting seashells.  It was so nice to get out in the fresh air and just enjoy God’s beautiful creation!  After nap, we surprised the kiddos by taking them to the Sky Wheel…think BIG Ferris wheel with enclosed seating!  This was BIG for Chris since he doesn’t like heights, but the two older kiddos had been looking at the tourist pamphlet all week so he thought it would be great to surprise them.  I could tell the whole time this wasn’t fun for him, but I could also tell that he was enjoying the fact that the kiddos were having so much fun! After the Sky Wheel we had a quiet night at the condo.  

 

Walk on the beach

Sky Wheel

On Saturday we spent most of the morning at the condo and then got a quick swim in.  After nap we headed to a shoe store to get the kiddos some fall shoes. I may or may not have used some of my birthday money to buy me some new fall shoes, too! 😊  Then we picked up Chick-fil-a on the way home and then had our family movie night.  Everyone got tucked into bed for the night, and Chris and I enjoyed our last night of vacation by hanging out.  The next morning, we packed up and headed home.  We stopped to have lunch with a dear friend from our time in NOVA.  It was so sweet to see her and her 9-month old baby that doctors said would never be.   It was great to catch up with her since her recent move to NC. It was icing on the cake to end our vacation catching up with an old friend!

Hanging out with Arlene and Beckett!!

As you read about our week, some of you may be thinking that we had an AMAZING vacation!! That we got to have some good family time and watch our kiddos experience new things.  Don’t get me wrong…we did enjoy those things, but there is one SIGNIFICANT event that happened while on our trip!  I could have left this blog with all the happy and fun stuff, but the Lord has been very clear about what He wants me to share and why He wants me to share this event.

On Tuesday night, we got all the kiddos tucked into bed for the night and Chris and I stayed up to watch “This Is Us.”  We headed to bed shortly after that.  I started to doze off while Chris was reading.  I woke up to our neighbors being loud…yelling.  I will admit, I am one of those people who has no problem calling a front desk when neighbors are being too loud.  I mean it was after 11pm and they woke me up from their yelling!  Then all of a sound we heard the loudest bang ever followed by a bunch of screaming.  In that moment, I knew it was a gun that had gone off.  I started to panic and went to the front of the condo where the girls were (our room and the boys’ room were at the back of the condo).  When I went in there, Sophie was standing up by the window telling me, “Momma, we aren’t the ones making all that noise!”  I grabbed Kyrie who was still sleeping and told Sophie to come with me.  Chris was looking through the windows to figure out what was going on and then called the police.  The dispatcher said that someone had already called and the police were on their way.  I got the girls tucked into our bed and went to check on the boys who were sleeping through it all.  I was a complete mess…I was fearful because I didn’t know if the gun was going to be shot again.  All I could hear was screaming and crying!  I felt sick to my stomach!  I felt like part of me had been violated because here we were in a family friendly resort with a gun being accessed easily that could have harmed one of our children!   Once the police arrived, Chris decided to head out to let them know a pastor was available.  I am going to be real honest right now…I wasn’t happy about him doing that.  Here I was upset, and he was heading out to tell the police he was available if anyone needed a pastor…I wanted to say, “What about me?  What about the fact that I am upset over here and you want to go help others?”  I even thought, “Lord, can’t wait just have a family vacation without having to do ministry?”   My flesh was definitely at war!  When Chris came back in, he told me that he found out what had happened.  One of the teenage girls from next door got into a fight with her parents.  Her parents gave her a punishment for something that she had done, and she was so upset that she got the mom’s gun and then killed herself…just like that this girl’s life was gone.   When I heard what had happened, I felt like the biggest schmuck for thinking all of those selfish things.  This mom has to live the rest of her life knowing her daughter killed herself with the gun she brought on their family vacation.  I confessed how selfish I had been in the moments before. Then the Lord then reminded me that we NEVER get a break from living and loving like Jesus. It is a 24-7/365 day a year calling!   I did stop and say out loud, “Praise Jesus for keeping our girls safe…that there weren’t any stray bullets that came through the wall!” 

Chris and I got very little sleep…I think he may have gotten more than me because I kept getting up and checking on the kiddos and seeing if the police were still there.  I finally laid at the foot of the bed where the girls were sleeping because I wasn’t sure how much they had heard from the night’s event.  I wanted to be close by just in case they had a bad dream.    Wednesday was a hard day both physically and emotionally…we were SO tired!  We knew we needed to keep on with our trip even though I wanted to head home.  We also knew that at some point we were going to need to have a conversation with the girls to see how much they heard from the night before.  I fought against getting mad...I felt like I was forced to have a conversation with our girls that I didn’t want to have!  I asked a couple of friends to be praying for us as we prepared to have this conversation.  We knew we didn’t want to share any more details than necessary, but at the same time I wanted to make sure our introverted girls weren’t keeping anything inside.   So, we started off by asking them if they heard anything the night before.  Kyrie said, “Nope” and Sophie said, “I heard a bunch of screaming.”   I asked her how it made her feel to hear all that screaming. I gave her some descriptive words to help her.  And she said, “I thought it was strange that there were a bunch of kids screaming that late.”   Chris then explained that there was a really bad accident in the condo next door to us…that it was bad enough that the ambulance and police had to be called.  I asked her again how all that screaming made her feel knowing that the police and ambulance had to come.  Her response, “I still think it was strange to have all those kids screaming so late.”   And in that moment, I quietly praised Jesus.  Not only had He kept them safe physically, He kept them safe emotionally!!   The only thing I can think of why she associated all the screaming with kids is because when her and her siblings play outside they tend to do a bunch of screaming.   We tried to have a normal day for the sake of the kids, but it was hard.  Every time we walked by our neighbor’s condo, I felt anxious.  I didn’t know if they were still there…I didn’t know if there was another gun in there.  I felt so unsettled.  On our way home from swimming, we saw the mom in the parking lot packing up their car.  In that moment, part of me felt a small amount of relief.  I gathered the kiddos up and Chris stayed behind to talk to her…to see if she needed anything or if she needed to talk.  I started getting the kiddos cleaned up and ready for our afternoon adventures of a candy shop and Medieval Times. It was nice to get out of the condo for the evening…in the midst of a bunch of strangers I felt safer there than in our condo.   That night we got back and got the kiddos ready for bed.  We put the girls back in the room that they had been and then went to tuck in the boys.  Chris and I headed to the living room, and I just got this unsettling feeling over me.  I know I was going to stretch Chris, but I needed to ask…I needed for our girls to sleep in our decked out master suite.   I needed him to give up the double person jetted tub.  I needed him to give up the big screen TV that we had no problem watching from our king bed.  I needed the girls to be at the back of the condo protected by the wooded area instead of at the front of the condo exposed to everything and everyone.  Oh, how Chris was so gracious to me…how he loved me in that moment…how he didn’t give me a hard time about feeling so unsettled. Even though we got the girls moved into our room, it wasn’t enough to help me sleep well.  My mind was still replaying the yelling, the gunshot and those blood curdling screams.  My heart was still breaking for this mom who was traveling home with one less child.  I still was searching and asking God what He wanted me to learn from all of this.  I sat in silence.  There was no answer.    I did this night after night.  I searched…I sat in silence…there was no answer.  Then as we were packing up Sunday morning, I was thinking about posting all the pictures from the week and writing a blogpost.  I was going to share all of the GOOD highlights from our trip.  As I was thinking about what I would write, the Lord said, “Go take a picture of your neighbor’s condo door.”  I thought He was CRAZY, but after His persistence, I took the picture.  

And then He began speaking about transparency.  In this day and age, it is SO easy to create a picture-perfect life on social media. I could have easily done that when I posted pictures of our family vacation.  I could have shared all the fun things we got to do as a family…all the new things that the kiddos got to experience for the first time…all the wonderful family time we got to have.  But He finally answered me in the busyness of packing up our van that He wanted me to share what our family vacation was REALLY like.  He wanted me to share that even though I am a pastor’s wife, I am no different than any other disciple of Jesus…I struggle with my flesh…I didn’t want my husband to go minister to someone else when I was struggling myself. I didn’t want Chris to go offer his help because he was on vacation...he shouldn’t have to do ministry while on vacation!  And I struggled with walking in fear…fear of our neighbors having another gun…fear of our girls being left vulnerable in their room…fear of being judged if I actually share the thoughts that sometimes go around in my head.   

So, I share all of this because life gets messy. Things…ok, vacations…don’t go as we had planned.  Sometimes we have moments when we fight our flesh because in a particular moment we don’t want to live or love like Jesus.  But in those moments, I am thankful that He has far more grace than I could ever give to others or myself.  

 I questioned many times during our vacation why He had chosen us to be a part of this family’s tragedy. It is because He knew Chris would reach out and show them Jesus…He knew we would pray for this family every time we walked by their condo.  But there was so much more…He knew I needed to grow deeper in His grace and He knew I need to continue to learn to die to myself. 

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”  -2 Corinthians 12:8-9

“He (Jesus) must increase, but I must decrease.” John 3:30

So, friends...this was what our family vacation REALLY looked like.  Yes, we had some wonderful times together, but we also had moments that were hard...that stretched us.  There were moments that I wished I had responded more like Jesus instead of reacting to my flesh.  But through it all, Jesus was walking with us each step of the way...showing me that His grace is enough to help me decrease so that He can increase more in my life.  

A New Season

As I sit here on the couch, part of me is at peace and another part of me is restless.  I know it seems kind of strange to be feeling both of those things at the same time...but I am.

A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with the two ladies that I have been discipling this past year.  I told them that Chris was starting Year 2 of Discipleship at the church and it would mean that they would transition into discipling another lady, if the Lord was leading them to do that.  I also told them that he would be offering a class twice a month to walk with them and all the other people he had been discipling this past year as they began the journey of one-on-one discipleship.   In short, they were graduating and our weekly meetings would be coming to an end.

At first, I was excited.  I was ready to free up my weekly schedule a little bit.  Between church and Hootie activities, we had something everyday from Sunday thru Thursday...not to mention homeschooling and day-to-day living.  Most of the time Chris' days off were spent catching up on chores, running errands and squeezing in some family time. I was excited to be able to have a little more of a relaxed evening on the nights that I was typically discipling  someone.  Most nights that I discipled there was A LOT of fussing going on to get the Hooties in bed before I started discipling. Honestly, all that fussing wasn't the best way to get ready for discipling, but Chris was at the church either discipling or having a meeting so it was just me getting the Hooties ready for bed.   I want to be VERY clear...I wouldn't change my last year of pouring into these ladies.  I know without a doubt I was doing exactly what the Lord wanted me to do.  Each week when I felt tired in the evening and didn't know if I would have the energy to get through the night, He would give me an extra burst of energy to meet with these ladies...He always provided.

The first day that I wasn't meeting with one of the ladies, one of the Hooties asked during our morning prayer time if the lady I discipled that night was coming over.  I told them that she wasn't.  They looked a little shocked.  I told all of the Hooties that I was done discipling for awhile and that I was going to spend some time pouring into them...that I was going to be discipling them for awhile.  The looks on their faces when I said that was priceless.  It was almost as if they felt honored that their mom was going to spend time pouring Jesus into them...even though I do it on a daily basis.  I think the fact that I don't go around saying I am discipling them made them think I don't. :)   I was feeling good about the decision to not be discipling for awhile.  My discipler has told me often over the last seven and half  years that my kids are my first disciples and I couldn't agree more with her!!

But then it hit me last week that this was the first time in seven years that I wouldn't be discipling someone!  I shared with Chris and a good friend about my struggle, and I am thankful for the hard questions they asked me.  One of them asked if I was struggling with  thinking that I needed to keep my hand in the midst of discipling because I felt like I had more experience and could do a better job. The other asked if discipling had become my identity.  Let me tell you, those were not fun questions to be asked, but I am thankful for people who aren't afraid to ask the hard questions!   The Lord and I had already spent some time working through those questions, and I can confidently say that I am not struggling with either of those issues.

As I continued to pray and spend time with the Lord, I feel like part of me is mourning as this door of discipleship is being closed for a time.  I don't know why a part of my feels sad about that.  Maybe it is because I have such a passion for discipleship...for encouraging ladies as they encounter God in a whole new way...for being able to witness God moving in the life of another and having a front row seat to it all...to being able to pray with a woman as she reaches for the higher bar that Jesus is calling them to...to simply walk with a women as she takes one step after another as she learns to empty herself out and be filled back up with Jesus.

 I am not sure how long this door will be closed, but one thing I have learned over the years of being discipled is to trust the One who has created me.  I am trusting Him with this extra time as He asks me to be more intentional in my relationship with Chris and the Hooties.  I am trusting Him as He has brought new friendships into my life and using this extra time to invest in those friendships. I am trusting Him with this extra time to love others like Jesus without feeling like I have to rush to the next activity in our day.  I am simply trusting Him to be still and to rest in Him.

 As I enter into this new season, I feel like the Lord has called me to embrace this season as a type of sabbatical.  Since studying about spiritual disciplines this summer, I have been praying  and seeking on how to make our days more restful.  I have been praying and seeking on how to give our family a day of rest on one of Chris' days off.  

The Lord has given me practical things to do.  He has helped me to rearrange our cleaning/chore schedule.  He has encouraged me to switch our leftover night to our day of rest.  I have submitted to switching when I run errands during the week, so we aren't doing it on Chris' day off.  I am listening ever so carefully to Him before committing to an activity.  I am truly trying to seek Him and His ways to reclaim a Sabbath day for our family. 

At first it was hard to rework our schedule.  I tend to be a creature of habit.  My mind set is if something is working then why change it.  But as I began to seek the Lord, I realized what we were doing wasn't really working.  Chris and I have continually been in a state of  tiredness.  We would crash into bed at night exhausted.  I would feel the guilty of fussing one too many times at the Hooties.  I regretted missing one too many opportunities to love Chris and the Hooties well because I just wanted to check out for a bit.  I couldn't count how many times I left hanging out with a friend and feeling like they hadn't received my best. And I won't even mention how often I shortchanged my time with God because I was either too tired or had to get to the next thing on our calendar.  

As I enter into this new season,  I will cling to Mark 6:31.  It says,

"Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, 'Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.'"

So, I am looking forward to this next season.  This time could last a few weeks, months or even  a year(s).  I have no idea how long this sabbatical will last, but I know the One who is in charge of my life.  Until He tells me to disciple again, I will be spending my time intentionally loving Chris and the Hooties.  I will spend my time nurturing those friendships that the Lord is blessing me with in VA Beach. And lastly, I will be spending time being still before the Lord and allowing Him to fill me up until my cup overflows.

To Love Like Jesus

A few days ago I posted a picture on Facebook of Tobias taking a nap with me on the couch.  I had written that we had a long night and I would write a blog post later to explain it.  Well, here is later...

Last Friday morning, I woke up from a dead sleep at 3am and felt an urgency for Chris to put a lock on our backyard fence.  It was one of those wake ups that is really hard to go back to sleep because your heart is beating out of your chest.  As I was waking up, all kinds of  fears started popping into my head.  The main fear was  that if Chris didn't get that lock on the gate that our kids would be taken from our backyard.  I got up and went to the couch because Chris was heading out of town that afternoon for the Men's Retreat.  He would be teaching the sessions, and  I wanted him to be well rested for the weekend.  I go to the couch and spend some time praying, reading scripture/my devotional and begin to feel at peace. I am a dreamer, so I have learned to pray through some pretty upsetting dreams.  I figured there was no better way to handle this situation than through prayer.  Anyways, a few minutes later I hear a police car in full sirens drive by our house.  This is an unusually occurrence, but I didn't think too much of it since our street runs between two major streets.  I just thought that it was the quickest route to where the police officer needed to go.  I was still wide awake, so I decided to read a book on the Kindle to help me get sleepy.  Well, about 20 minutes later I see a person in our backyard with a flashlight!! Oh, the paralyzing fear that came over me!!!!  I get off  from the couch to head to our room to wake up  Chris and grab my phone.  As I was walking back to our room, I notice a police car idling in front of our house.  We call the police and all they told us was that they were canvassing the area.  We could see the police going from our yard to our neighbors' yards (five all together) for a good 30-40 minutes.  Then the police car started going down the street to the next section of yards.  Needless to say it was pretty hard going back to sleep.

Later that morning, I sent a text to some ladies asking them to be my prayer warriors. I shared with them what happened and then I wrote:

Please pray for me and my tiredness and taking care of these kiddos while Chris is out of town.  Sometimes in my tiredness I get grumpy and snap.  I don't want to walk around a grumpy/snapping momma the next couple of days!  I don't sleep well normally when Chris is gone, but with this event from this morning...well, I can't even imagine!! I told Chris that I was seriously considering putting all the hurricane windows down at bedtime.  I was kinda joking, but he encouraged me to do so.  I was hoping he would tell me I was being silly, but he didn't.  I don't want to walk around in fear...or should I say stay awake in fear.  I feel like a majority of this is a spiritual attack...I mean of all nights for this to happen, it happens the day Chris is to leave town for the weekend!  So just pray for us...for me...and for Chris.  Thanks, Ladies!

The love that came flowing through my phone after that was unbelievable!

"Ok, PRAYING for you and the family"

"Oh dear friend, I'm so sorry! I've never heard of anything like that happening in our neighborhood, it does seems to be a very special situation! Praying for you today and will continue to ask the Lord for practical ways we can help..."

"Standing firm in faith with you. Jesus, command your angels to stand sentry around the Greenwood home...and all of our homes as our husbands are away.  No weapon formed against us will stand. In your mighty name...amen"

"I'm sorry, Sara! We had that happen during the day at our other house so I can't imagine during the night!! Pray for peace and protection for you!! Love you!"

"Ahh...I can understand your fear, but God has you in his care.  I pray you have peace and sleep well knowing His protection is over you and your house.  I'm so sorry this happened."

Me: Thanks, Ladies!! Your prayers mean a lot to me and Chris!

"Love you!! Praying security of physical home and heart now!!"

"Isaiah 54:17 and Proverbs 18:10.  Praying both of these verses over the Greenwood household!! You are loved and you are SAFE with Him!! I love you!"

"Praying protecting on the Greenwoods!!"

"Oh Sara! That is completely terrifying. I'm so glad you weren't alone when it happened.  Rest in the peace of knowing you are protected under the shadow of his wing!"

"So many spiritual attacks are happening across the board in our KPC family! Satan does not want this weekend for our men to be successful.  But we know that greater is He that is within us and He that is within our men than he that is within the world!"

Me: Amen! We must be on bent knee this weekend!  Not only for the men on the retreat, but also for the ones at presbytery...elders and pastors...as Pastor M. finishes the final step of becoming ordained.

"Amen!"

"I love being a woman and wife in community with you all!"

"Yes!!! I totally agree!"

"We are praying for everyone at the presbytery!"

This is what my heart needed! The Lord knew I needed these prayers.  I could feel their prayers working! I felt loved by these ladies. But God in His goodness didn't stop there. He not only wanted me to feel their love for me, but He wanted me to experience His love!

Later Friday morning, I got a text. It said:

"Do you want me to come and spend the night with you tonight?"  

I felt tears rising in my eyes to receive such a loving offer.  

Then about an hour later I got another text. It said:

"Hey Sara...do you need me to sleepover at your house?"

I was amazed! 

Another hour later, I got another text. It said:

 "I know it is a long shot, but would you want to come over and sleep at our house tonight with me and the kids? You are welcome!" 

I was beside myself!

Then later that afternoon, I got a phone call.  My friend was wanting to know if I wanted to load up the kids and come to their house for the night. 

I was in tears by this point.

Then that night I got another text.  It said:

"The hubby wants you to call us immediately if you have any concerns! Would it help if I came

 to sleep over?"  

 I stood in amazement of the love He was showing me!

As the day went on, my heart was exploding from all of this love coming my way...the love of God!  I have discipled many ladies through 1 John 3:16-17, but on this day I experienced the love of 1 John 3:16-17 in a tremendous way! 

"This is how we’ve come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fellow believers, and not just be out for ourselves. If you see some brother or sister in need and have the means to do something about it but turn a cold shoulder and do nothing, what happens to God’s love? It disappears. You made it disappear."

-The Message

So early that morning, Satan was trying to bring fear into my life.  He was trying to keep our focus off of what God had called Chris to do that weekend to further His Kingdom's work.  I am thankful that I had friends to call on to be my prayer warriors...to stand in the gap for me and my family. But what I am even more thankful for is that I was a part of God's love winning...it didn't disappear because these ladies listened and obeyed as the Spirit led them to love like Jesus! 

Beauty from Ashes

I still stand in amazement of all that has happened in the last three years.  As I look back over the last three years and see the work of God, I can't help taking time to reflect and praise God for all that He has done.  When you go through such a journey...such a transformation, it is hard not to take a moment and be still and remember that He is God around that life-changing event each year. 

And this year as I reflect,  it has been a little more emotional because of the fact that I joined our church.  As I slow down and am still before the Lord, I am reminded of Isaiah 61:3 (ESV):

"to grant those who mourn in Zion--

to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;

that they may be called oaks of righteousness,

the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."  

When we started this chapter three years ago, I never imagined that I would have a beautiful headdress.  In my heart of hearts, I felt like I would be wearing ashes for the rest of my life.  I couldn't fathom ever replacing the spirit of mourning that I was in with gladness.  At the time my spirit was weak...it was faint, but today I stand here humbly wearing a garment of praise.  All of these things...the ashes to the beautiful headdress; the mourning to gladness; the faint spirit to praise...needed to happen so He may be glorified!!  

When we left our church almost three years, I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to be a part of a church again...let alone be a pastor's wife.  When you are broken...when you have felt pain in places that you didn't know existed, your natural response is to retreat...to protect yourself. I am thankful God gave me two godly women who LOVE Jesus so passionately walk with me through this season.  One lady was my discipler and the other was a friend of the family who has spent many years walking with women through life changing events...giving them godly counsel and sharing godly wisdom.  Oh, how I have been blessed by Him through these women!  These women counseled me, they prayed for and with me, they shared God's word with me and they lovingly challenged me when I was not handing issues over to God.  

During this chapter, the Lord gave me a new life verse.  I was meeting with a lady that I was discipling, and she was going through a hard season.  I naturally went to Jeremiah 29:11 to give her some words of encouragement.  But as I got to the end of verse 11, the Spirit told me to keep on reading, so I did.  By the time I got to the end of verse 14, I was overcome with emotion and tears filled my eyes.  This was the first time in over a year, that I missed the fellowship of a church family and I felt like I was ready to be a pastor's wife again.

 ^"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  

 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.   

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.   

I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.

 I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” 

declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

 Jeremiah 29:11-14 

 

I had sat in the bottom of a pit for so long, and I was tired of being there.  I realized that for too many months, I was in protective mode.  I was trying to control all the pieces, so I wouldn't be hurt again.  I called out to Him that day and He listened to me!  I began to seek Him with all my heart, and I saw Him in a whole new way.  I had lived in captivity for so long, but that day He carried me back to the place from which He carried me into exile.  It was around this time that the Lord brought me to a place of where I could forgive those that had hurt me.  And through this process of forgiveness, I felt a freedom that I hadn't felt in months.  As I continued on the journey, I was able to love people in a whole new way...I was beginning to understand what it meant to live and love like Jesus. 

Almost three years to the day the Lord has closed this chapter through joining our church.  It is not a chapter that will never be read again, but a chapter that will continually be remembered and visited.  A chapter that can't be forgotten because it had such a life-changing impact on me.  A chapter that I will share with others when the opportunity arises, so that He can be glorified. 

So, as my time of being still comes to a close, I can't help but to praise Him for giving me beauty from ashes, gladness from mourning, praise from a faint spirit so that He may be glorified through it all!!

  

Obedience Is Action

I have been discipled since July of 2010.   I can't believe that it has been almost 7 years since I began this journey of not just gaining knowledge about Jesus, but to apply it to my every day life...that there must be action...fruit of what I am learning as I read the Bible. 

It has been hard over the years.  I am naturally an introvert, so I don't like putting myself out there...afraid of rejection...afraid people will analyze me.  But in the last several months, the Lord has been working in me...changing me...building a confidence in me. 

Just before Christmas, I was running an errand and saw this gentleman sitting by an empty store front with a backpack and a couple of grocery bags filled with some belongings.  As I walked by him, he caught my attention. The Lord reminded me of the bags in the back of the van that we made a few days before for anyone we saw who was struggling with homelessness.  I felt the Lord leading me to go get a bag and bring it to this man.  I continued on into the store and told the Lord that I didn't think it was a good idea to give a bag because I didn't know 100% that this gentleman was homeless...and I didn't want to offend this guy while trying to love him like Jesus.  I went about my shopping and paid for my items.  As I was walking back to the car, I see this gentleman again.  And very clearly, I hear the Lord say to go get one of the bags out of the van and bring it to this gentleman.  I knew in that moment I had a choice...I was either going to obey or disobey.  I continued walking back to the van and put my stuff in it.  I went to the back of the van and got a bag.  I took a moment to pray.  I told the Lord I was willing to go, but I need Him to give me the words to say.  I took a deep breath, shut the door and walked over to this gentleman.  The whole way over to him, I just kept praying..asking the Lord to use me as he saw fit.  Finally, I am standing in front of this gentleman.  I hold the bag straight out in front of me.  I explained to him that as I was walking into the store I felt the Spirit leading me to bring him this bag of items.  I asked him if he wanted the bag.  He nodded his head and reached out and grabbed it.  Then he proceeded to say how much he appreciated the fact that I had brought him this bag of items.  I asked him if he knew who Jesus was and he told me he did.  (In my mind I was thinking, "Who has taken control of me?"  because this is NOT my normal approach...ever!) I then went on to explain that I was giving him this bag because of what Jesus has done for me on the cross.  I shared with him the church we attend and invited him to come for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day service.  I told him that he was more than welcome to come worship with us anytime he was in the neighborhood. 

On the way home, I just praised Jesus for giving me the courage to obey in this situation.  I don't struggle with obeying when it is something I am comfortable with...like watching kiddos for friends, inviting people into my home, cooking a meal.  But this situation was COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone.  I prayed that the Lord would water whatever seed was planted that day. 

I write this blog post to say that even though I have been discipled for almost 7 years and have discipled many ladies over the years, I am still growing...I am still being stretched...I still have moments when I struggle with obedience.  But over the last couple of weeks as I reflect on this day, I am more and more convinced that obedience requires action.  Obedience is action.  I can't just read the Bible week after week with my discipler and not apply what He is teaching me.  I can't read the Bible week after week with the ladies that I disciple telling them that they need to obey as the Spirit leads them even if it makes them uncomfortable and not do it myself. 

So as a new year has started, I am listening for those opportunities that He lays before me. I pray that in those moments when I feel out of my comfort zone that my immediate response will be an obedient action instead of explaining to the Lord why it isn't a good idea or why it won't work.  I pray that I will remember: